....so, this little baby-baby grew up into a beautiful lady, all by herself....mostly with the help of grand-ma (my mother) who raised her as her 4th child...making her my younger sister, rather then my own child...and one day, some 3 years ago, while she was visiting us in the Canarys ...I came to know my daughter, she came to know her mother...and we bonded, after sooo many years....soo many, many years.
At the time of her visit, I was under great depression...stress, insomnia, anorexia, panick attacks, gall bladder constant unsupportable pain, anemia....well you name it - I had it. I never went out of the house, maybe just to the garden, I was a walking shadow.....
My loving cat died, leaving her 7 little ones to our dog Lucky to take care of them...he was used to it ...as both the cat and Lucky came to our house at the same time, grew up together ....she tought him to be a cat...he tought her to be a dog....he started climbing trees and fences, she started chasing other dogs...they both were seen strolling together in the quiet streets of our private urbanization. They both had ribbons with little bells attached to them. Cute couple.
I was hardly talking, I was just doing things automatically, preparing food...looking at the time, making sure all is done and on time.....I was doing what was expected from me, and what I was been thought all my life, what I should do, because "that was the only right way".....I was a weak shadow, falling apart inside, but doing my best so that nothing would interfere with the daily routine , and making sure everyone was happy and taken care of.
My daughter would always ask me to go with her, either to the beach or to the mountains...wherever...just to get out of the house...I always found a reason not to...
One day, the preassure got over the limits of my coping....the walls of the house started closing upon me...I could hardly breath, my head was bursting in pain, my body was unconciously trembling, I had this feeling that any moment I would colaps or brake into small pieces. I ran out the back door into the garden, I took a ladder, climbed to the roof of our utility room, walked to the other side of the roof facing a large empty plot of land....my cat was burried there....I jumped, it wasn't too high.....I ran to the spot where I placed a small cross, lovely stones encircled her resting place and her name was written with the same stones.....some dryed flowers layed in the dust.....I sat there and I cryed....
I forgot about the time....the lunch, I forgot about the laundry, it didn't matter to me that no one knew where I was....nothing mattered at that moment....just the feeling of my tears sliding slowly on my cheeks....and memories in flashes of my life.
I was sobbing....but it didn't matter, no one could here.....at that moment I felt a hand around my shoulder, I panicked....I had no strength to turn my head, the hand on my shoulder took me closer and I could hear a voice ....
"Mama, its me.....it's ok, I'm here..."
She took me in her arms as I cried, brushing my hair jently with her hand.
" Just cry ...take it all out off you...let it go", she said.
Hardly having strenght to say anything, I made a last effort to say:
"OMG, what have I done....I am so sorry baby....I am soooo sorry...."
We cried together and we talked ...she told me about her difficult times in life and her depressions, I told her mine. We spoke for hours. We shared our lives, we compared, we understood each other, we knew for the first time what both of us were going through for sooo many years, there was no reason for regrets or forgiveness, we knew the answers, we understood each other....we talked for the first time....not like sisters...not like mother and daughter...more like two twin souls lost for many years , finally rejoined in a bond that from that moment would only grow stronger and stronger.
I know that at one moment, I got nervous and mentioned lunch....omg....its sooo late...what about the others......
She said:
"Mama, world will not fall appart if you are not in the kitchen preparing food.....world will not fall appart if the table is not set and everything served....if the loundry isn't in the washing machine.....if you haven't gone after all of us, picking what we left behind.....its ok....just relax.....we can prepare the food, don't look at the time.....just relax".
I looked at her eyes, and her face, and I saw a reflexion of myself....myself in the years when I WAS myself........
My long lost baby-baby was back, my first born, true love child.....she gave me her hand and I reached out and held her hand in mine....never to part again.
She called me: "Lovely Lady of the Moon"
I gave her my flesh, my soul and life ...when she was born....it took more then 2 decades, when she brought ME back to life.
Happiness is having a smile the moment you wake up in the morning untill you close your eyes and fall asleep at night.....and over and over again....
